It’s been one hell of a June. In the past thirty days my wife has left me, I’ve had two novels published, Britain has voted to quit the EU, Wales has made the quarter-finals of Euro 2016 and I’ve made the acquaintance of a Parisian lady who will become my new lodger. And all of this against a background of insomnia, bruxism and a heady mix of depression, elation, bitterness and fury.
But hey! It’s the books I’m supposed to be here to tell you about, so I won’t bore you any longer with my whinging and we’ll get straight down to business.
June 24th saw the release of Leisure, an erotic comedy, packed with my usual stupidity and perversion. It tells the story of a young woman named Alice, who begins a new job in a sports centre where, left to their own devices for far too long, the staff team have entirely lost touch with reality. Alice gradually becomes drawn into the madness and embarks on an escapade full of filthy sex, mystical quests, naked nuns and eye-wateringly large penises.
Although it’s an essentially silly story, Leisure does have a serious message lurking at its core, about how we all put on different faces while we’re in the workplace; how we choose which parts of ourselves we reveal and which parts we hide. I deliberately framed the book in five parts, Monday to Friday, nine ‘til five, with little in the way of back-story or external reference, so the reader would only see the characters as they behave at work.
The publication of Leisure took a long time; probably three years between first draft and final release, owing largely to a series of mishaps including lost emails and forgetful publishers. But I’ve learned a lot during that period; I’ve developed my abilities to edit and construct paragraphs and to embrace my own style rather than attempt to imitate that of others, and so it’s definitely been a valuable experience.
On then to the end of June and my third novel The House of Fox hits the shelves. This is the book which will – fingers crossed – mark the beginning of the next stage of my career as a writer, in that I might finally earn a bit of cash out of it. House of Fox is, I believe, my best work to date. I threw myself entirely into its creation, letting my imagination run riot and pulling out all the stops to ensure it is exactly the kind of novel I always wanted to write.
The House of Fox is about four friends who find themselves trapped in a vast, supernatural brothel, where every kind of perversion and fetish is played out and every lurid fantasy comes true. I like to think of it as a sort of pornographic version of Dungeons and Dragons.
Anything goes inside the House of Fox, and so anything goes as far as the narrative is concerned. With no idea of a plot in mind, I improvised the first half of the book, making up the most crazy scenarios and mashing them together. With no rules to follow I could go off in any direction I fancied; car chases, gun battles, song and dance routines, it all went in. Writing this story was fun.
Right now I’m supposed to be working on a sequel to House of Fox, which is currently going under the title ‘The Girl with the Golden Vag’, but given the frenetic pace of the past few weeks and everything that’s been going on, I’ve barely had the time to sit down. Hopefully I’ll manage to get my head together and get cracking fairly soon.
The House of Fox excerpt:
“God, look at the pair of them. They’re so fucking boring.”
Kitty was watching the live feed from the video camera; grainy, blue tinged footage on a fat backed TV.
“Like, any sane woman would’ve been bouncing on Dylan’s cock the minute she stepped through the door. But oh no, not little miss goody two shoes Donna; she’d never lower herself into doing anything quite so lowbrow.”
Jane, who was standing behind, massaging Kitty’s shoulders, nodded in full agreement.
“You know what? I’ll take great pleasure in throwing her to the flames. It’s no more than the dismal bitch deserves.” Kitty grabbed the clipboard and updated the dossier, scrawling nothing happening in the relevant box. “And here’s me damn fool enough to think pulling watch duty on that pair might prove fun.”
“Things may hot up… eventually,” Jane offered.
“Are you kidding? That bitch is so frigid she could raise penguins in her asshole.” Kitty swivelled around in her office chair and trapped Jane’s legs between her knees. “Fuck ‘em. Let’s get back to the game. Now remind me, honey pie, what was the score again?”
“Four all.” Jane shook her head, gutted at having squandered a four-nil lead.
“Then it’s time for the big decider.” Kitty’s beaming smile lit up Jane’s world. “What do you think? The loser has to do the next five hours’ watch?”
“Let’s do it.” Jane strutted up to the mound, confident she could pull this off.
Kitty sat back in her chair and spread her legs wide, hanging her knees over either armrest. She licked her fingertip, parted her pussy lips and pushed three ping-pong balls up her cunt. “Ready?”
“Ready,” Jane nodded. She steeled herself in preparation, and tightened her grip on the spank paddle.
Kitty pulled a face and thrust her hips, and a ping-pong ball flew clean out of her quim at high velocity and came arcing across the office. Jane swung the paddle, but missed by six inches. The ball sailed by and bounced off the coffee machine.
“Strike one,” Kitty yelled.
“Goddamnit.” Jane rolled out her shoulders to loosen them, and adopted the stance once again. “Ready.”
A second ping-pong ball flew from between Kitty’s love lips, this time on a much lower trajectory. Jane swung and caught the ball a glancing blow off the rim of the paddle, sending it straight downwards, where it ricocheted off the floor and bounced several times before dribbling to a pathetic stop between her feet.
“Strike two,” Kitty yelled. “The game now rests on this one final delivery. Will she step up to be a hero or will she fold under the pressure?”
“This time.” Jane was focussed now. She took a few practice swings before crouching sideways on. “Ready.” She would not miss – she knew it.
The third ball, glistening with pussy juice, came spinning toward her, and she saw its flightpath almost in slow motion. She swung the paddle, catching the ball flush in the face, and sent it hurtling out through the open door into the corridor. “Home run,” she squealed, and danced a celebratory jig. “I win, I win.”
“Pah, you got lucky,” Kitty sneered.
“Luck had nothing to do with it. I won thanks to my natural ability at the game.”
The game – which they had been playing for the best part of two days – was called either Pussy Ping-Pong or Beaver Baseball; they still hadn’t made a final decision as to which they liked better. It had superseded ‘What’s the most unusual thing you can shove up your ass?’ which Kitty had won by successfully ramming a signed, first edition of Oliver Twist into her brown eye.
The House of Fox blurb:
After a drunken night on the town, four friends awake to find themselves in the House of Fox, the ultimate brothel in the universe, where every sordid fantasy becomes reality.
But all is not as it seems.
The House of Fox harbours many dark secrets, and factions are plotting against one another.
The four newcomers must choose their friends carefully and take care not to lose their minds on the thrill ride of perversion that will carry them to the ends of the Earth and beyond.
The Great Voyeur in the Sky is watching . . .
SJ Smith is a neurotic recluse who lives in North Wales. It has long been his dream to become a full time filth monger.
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